


A Critical Review of Kolb and the Dragon

by Kittisnake



Series: Mara's Thief [4]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Family Fluff, Gen, Slice of Life, bedtime story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 21:38:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4936276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittisnake/pseuds/Kittisnake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garion doesn't like Lucia's new book so he makes some editorial changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Critical Review of Kolb and the Dragon

"Papa, will you read my new book to me?" Lucia asked as Garion tucked her in for the night.

"Of course, little rabbit. Is this it?" Garion picked up a thin tan book from the nightstand. " _Kolb and the Dragon_. Sounds interesting."

"It is. Samuel said it's a new story every time you read it."

"Well that's different. Let's see what story we can find inside. Meeko! Off!" The dog was trying to sneak up on Lucia's bed for a nap. He slunk over to the rug in the middle of the room, sighing heavily as he curled up on the floor. Once the dog was settled, Garion began the story.

" _Kolb was a brave Nord warrior. One day his Chief asked Kolb to slay an evil dragon that threatened their village. 'Go through the mountain pass, Kolb,' his chief said. 'You will find the dragon on the other side.' Turn to page 2._ What?"

"You have to turn to the next page to find out what happens next," Lucia explained.

"That's how most books work, dear."

"This one is different. Samuel said you have to pick the right page to get to the dragon. If you go to the wrong one then you die and you have to start over."

"Ah." Garion turned the page. " _Kolb took his favorite axe and shield and walked to the pass, where he found a cold cave, a windy cave, and a narrow trail._ And each one is on a different page. I see. Well, Lucia, which trail do you want to take?"

"The windy cave. Maybe the dragon is breathing and that's what makes it so windy."

" _A strong gust of wind blew Kolb's torch out and knocked him into a pit where he split his head and died. The end._ No dragon there, I'm afraid."

Lucia pouted. "Aw."

"Shall we try a different way and see how far we get?" Garion asked as he turned back to the second page.

"Okay! You pick, Papa."

"All right, let's try the cold cave on page seventeen."

Kolb traveled through the cold cave, into a smelly tunnel (Meeko's choice as interpreted by Lucia), and into the lair of an orc who challenge him. The fight ended badly for Kolb who was cooked into stew.

They started over. This time Kolb once again split his skull in a windy tunnel.

They started over. Garion was beginning to enjoy this as much as Lucia was. This time Kolb ended up in a marsh where he had to pay off a ghost. Lucia thought Kolb might be getting tired, so she sent him to a tavern.

" _Kolb stopped at the tavern to rest before fighting the dragon. High elves ran the tavern, however, and poisoned his mead so they could steal his gold._ Are you kidding me?" 

"Why would they poison him?" Lucia wondered.

"Because the author decided to be racist, apparently," Garion grumbled as he snapped the book shut. "I think that's enough for tonight, Lucia. Time for you to go to sleep."

"Okay, Papa," she said, snuggling into her pillow. Garion kissed her goodnight, then whistled at Meeko who got up to follow him out of the room.

"Papa?"

"Yes?"

"Let's not go back to that tavern. Those are bad high elves."

"They certainly are. Sleep well little rabbit."

Erandur was in the kitchen inspecting a wine bottle. "Do you want spiced wine or Alto?" he asked as Garion headed to the back door to let the dog out.

"Whichever you want," Garion replied. "I'm going out on the porch for a little while."

Once outside, Meeko ran down the back steps to chase a fox that was sniffing around in a clump of flowers. The high elf tossed _Kolb and the Dragon_ on the corner table and sat down to watch the sunset. He scanned the horizon, listening for any distant dragon calls. Storybook dragons were one thing, but Garion had killed enough of the real thing to know that it took more than one stalwart warrior with his favorite axe to bring one down. He had learned to keep an eye and ear out for any possible attacks to give himself enough time to get a few brave (or foolhardy) souls together to help out. Of course, in the mood he was in he was willing to take one on himself. Or at least call a storm to blast a few racist Nords.

The door opened and Erandur came out carrying two goblets of wine. "I wanted Alto," he said, handing the other elf a cup.

"Thanks," Garion muttered.

"Are you all right, love? You seem irritated."

The Altmer inclined his head towards the book on the table as he took a sip of wine. "Lucia's new book offended me," he said.

Erandur raised one eyebrow. "How?"

"Look at page fourteen."

He flipped to the page and read it. "I see. That's almost personal, isn't it?"

"Yes, and I'm personally offended, enough that I'm tempted to rip the page out entirely. But that would remove the possibility of defeating the orc in another ending."

"How many endings does this book have?" the Dunmer asked, skimming through it.

"I didn't count them. Most of them end with the hero making the wrong choice and dying."

"Charming." Erandur turned to the title page. " _A Tale for Nord Boys_. That explains it. Teach them fatalism early on and they'll never depart from it."

"Teaches them racism, too. Like there isn't enough of that going around these days." Garion sighed. "You think I'd be used to it now, wouldn't you? Gods know I understand it, what with the current political situation and the bitterness over the ending of the Great War. Mara's sake, I was _in_ the Great War. I _completely_ understand where it all comes from. But it still bothers me that no one really trusts me, even as Dragonborn, because I was born an Altmer."

Erandur nodded as he drank his wine. "I understand how you feel. My people are facing the same situation in Windhelm. But you face it everywhere. It's hard, I know."

"It is hard, and I don't want Lucia learning that sort of thing. That's one reason why I moved to Riften; elves here are given a fair chance."

"Thieves, too," the priest said with a smile.

Garion smiled back. "Yes, thieves too. And that's another thing that bothers me about that page. The implication that they had use poison to rob him. That's an insult to Altmer thieves everywhere. There may not be many of us, but we're at least competent enough to pick someone's pocket, especially a drunk Nord's! It's like saying you wouldn't be able to perform a marriage without knocking the happy couple over the head."

"We call that the orc special," the priest said, smirking over his wine.

Garion burst out laughing. "Now _that_ was racist," he said once he got himself under control.

"A bit, but I've heard stories about the ceremonies their priests perform in those strongholds. They do get a bit violent on occasion."

"So we can leave the orc section in as an accurate representation of the race. That's comforting. Now I won't have to upset Lucia by tossing her book in the lake. I just have to make sure we skip the tavern so she doesn't think badly of her father."

"I don't think a page in a book is going to make her think badly of you. You're not as incompetent as the fictional Altmer in their fictional tavern."

"Thank you for that, lover," Garion said. Then his eyes brightened. "I just had an idea about how to fix the offensive bit."

Erandur stood up and collected the goblets. "While you're doing that, I'll be tending to my evening devotions. I'll wash these before I go to bed."

"All right," Garion said absently. He had picked up the book and opened it to page fourteen.

"Don't stay up all night," Erandur said, bending down to give him a kiss.

*****

The next night was Erandur's turn to put Lucia to bed. She wanted to read _Kolb and the Dragon_ again, but she couldn't find it. The priest went into the next room where Garion was working at his alchemy lab.

"Do you know where Lucia's book is? It's not on her nightstand."

"I must have left it on the outside table last night," the Altmer replied. "I'd get it but I can't leave this potion just yet."

"That's all right, I'll get it," Erandur said. "I'll let the dog out while I'm at it. Come, Meeko!"

They heard the dog leap off Lucia's bed. Both elves shouted "Bad dog!" as he raced upstairs.

Once the dog had been banished from the house for the evening and the book had been retrieved, Erandur settled in his chair next to Lucia's bed to begin Kolb's first journey. Lucia let the Dunmer choose which path to take, so once again the fictional Nord met his death in the windy cave. After a few more trips, Garion came into the room and leaned against the door frame.

" _Leaving the marsh behind him, Kolb could see the dragon's lair nearby, as well as a small, welcoming tavern_ ," Erandur read.

"Let's go to the tavern," Garion said.

"But that's where the mean elves are," Lucia said.

"Yes, I thought you didn't like the tavern," Erandur added, casting a suspicious gaze at his lover.

"It's under new management," Garion said with a smirk.

"All right," Erandur said, unconvinced. He turned to page fourteen. The original text had been inked out with a new ending written below.

" _Kolb told everyone at the tavern how he was going to kill the dragon on the plain. He drank too much mead, however, and passed out drunk. A high elf overheard the Nord's boasts and, once Kolb was snoring, took his weapons and money and journeyed to the dragon's lair himself. The high elf was Dragonborn, so he was able to kill the dragon more completely than Kolb ever could. The dragon never returned to bother the villagers again and the Dragonborn returned home a rich and respected elf._ "

"That's different from last night," Lucia said.

"Indeed. I believe there have been some editorial changes," Erandur replied.

Garion smiled brightly. "I like this tavern. We should visit it again!"


End file.
